Think of every zombie movie you've ever watched and you'll recall a common scene of someone who has been bitten or scratched, but keeps this information from traveling companions who would – with some hesitation – remove the soon-to-be-a-zombie's head.

Because when they turn, the person as you knew them, as they knew themselves, is GONE. Replaced by a single-minded, super-aggressive madman, with an insatiable hunger for the one thing they crave.

This is the same thing that happens every time a pedestrian gets into the driver's seat of a car.

One minute you're walking through a parking lot, muttering angrily at cars to slow down or stop backing up while you pass. The next, you put that key in the ignition and you transform. You roll slowly, impatiently out of the parking lot loudly cursing at every pedestrian or other car that dares to slow your exit.

You've got to go, Go, GO! Can't you bipeds see I'm driving here?!

And then, as if some miraculous vaccine had been invented, when you arrive at your next destination, you transform back. As soon as the car door closes behind you, your sense of righteousness flips back to your pedestrian nature. "Oh yes, you better stop while I cross here at my own pace. This is a marked crosswalk!"

Then back into the car with a bag full of tacos and you're a zombie again.

So. A typical zombie dilemma with only one solution. Eliminate the threat during the transformation stage. Here's what I propose. If you're a pedestrian and you see someone approaching a car with the intent to drive, you have from the moment the key touches the lock to the moment the car door closes again, to knock that person out.

And to be fair, drivers, if you see someone getting out of a car, you know what to do.

It's for the good of your kind, and that's all that really matters.

Drivers and pedestrians alike will be nodding by now that this is the most brilliant proposal ever, answering the question "But what can be DONE about it!" as far as each other are concerned. But what about cyclists?

Are those two-wheeled, traffic and crowd weaving, sidewalk-to-street, street-to-sidewalk, neither-set-of-rules-apply-to-me, sons of bitches not a part of this analogy?

Sorry, no. There's no room for hippies in a zombie movie.

But since you asked, as far as imaginary creatures go, cyclists are the centaurs of the transportation world. Sort of fast, huge balls, naturally powered, and shitting openly on the establishment. They remain cyclists even when they're off their bikes. Wearing helmets in the grocery store as they shop for hummus, en route to causing a three car pile-up in the parking lot, then continuing on to the summer solstice party their vegan sister is organizing.

Monsters.